Sunday, March 21, 2004

Parties are hard when I as a recluse
still cannot stand being outside.

Yet I chose to stand apart
taking cover under responsibility
a tonic to soothe the crippling fear of
rejection -

when in the end
it's the simple vanity
the anxiety of un-cool that
truly drove the costly march
of hosting since Thursday.

Monday, March 15, 2004

I tried to untie the knot in my gut with words, but I couldn't. The lump grows and sinks down inside like lead weight. I am alone, and shrinking, weakening as the days pass until I buckle under that which presses against my heart. Crushed and shattered because I could not overcome my anxieties, failures, missed connections for wrongheaded pride.

playing it safe is a trap. But risk is a dangerous game, and I'm not very good at games. I would hate to lose, but I fear losing what little I have even more. For without those few possessions accumulated over the years, tokens and markers of moments left long ago, there is nothing.

that is my way to tread - predetermined perhaps - emotional cowardice disguised as intellectualized paralysis to the end.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

the back of my head throbs with occasional sharp pain
like a wedge door stop trying to push its way out from
between the folds of my cerebrum.

i drift into the unconscious
a sleep tightly wound visit to
mu
only to snap back at the voice of bob edwards
on Morning Edition.